Exclusive Aaliyah crash picture!
Entered: 2001-08-30
Edited: 2001-10-22
Type: journal

      Wow yesterdays story about Aaliyah's death has drawn a lot of visitors to acerbic.org, so much so that I've decided to write another one. This time I wanted to dig a little deeper instead of just poke fun. A lot of people cared about this girl, her family, friends and fans are all mourning her death. Knowing that, I've decided to dedicate my life to discovering the truth behind this tragedy. Fortunately there's already a lot of information on the Internet about her death so I really only had to dedicate a couple of hours to uncovering the truth.

      After exhaustive research on the Internet I have obtained pictures of the plane crash itself, and the black box recordings of the events that took place in the plane just prior to the crash. It's quite amazing. No kidding folks, this is how it really went down, no bullshit:

The first photo clearly identifies the two primary causes of the crash, a crack head pilot and an overloaded plane. Note, actual in flight recordings.


The first signs of a problem are spotted by the pilot and his doomed passengers. All of that extra luggage made the poor little plane plummet like a rock. Yup the pilot would have to be on crack to let his plane get that overloaded


The tragic ending to our tale. In just a few moments the world was deprived of nine people I've never heard of, and their luggage.I understand that the luggage was quite nice and rather exspensive, it will be missed.

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Hand puppet of Satan
Entered: 2001-08-31
Edited: 2001-10-22
Type: journal

      I went to the Alaska State Fair this afternoon with some friends and was called a hand puppet of Satan by an anti-abortion twit. It wasn't exactly a spontaneous though, she didn't just run up to me in the crowd and point and scream "Satan's hand puppet!" They have slighty better discipline than that, to get this type of reaction you really have to goad them the right way. Here's how I did it.

      Chris and I were walking back from the ATM machine and I noticed the standard "dead baby booth" that all of the right to lifers always setup to offend people and scar little childern who catch a peek at the pictures of aborted fetuses before their parents realize what's up. Anyway I got the idea that it would be fun to go up and ask for a big poster with the picture of an aborted fetus on it, one of the really nasty looking ones. I didn't actually want the poster (I'm not Stile after all) I just wanted to see her reaction to being asked for one ;-> Chris loved the idea, but didn't want to go up with me, I talked into joining by promising to do all the talking, he agreed and we walked up to the counter.

"What can I do for you boys?" cheerfully asked the volunteer lady.

"Hi! I'd like to know if I can get one of your posters." I answered

She replied, a little confused, "Our posters?"

"Yes, you know one of the really gross ones you have, of the aborted fetuses, like one of the ones behind you there" I returned, still with a straight face. Chris meanwhile was about to loose control and rather than break the mood moved away from the counter, while staying in earshot.

"Why on earth would you want one of those things?!" She was beginning to grow a little wary, and her voice had lost it's cheery tone.

"Oh I just think they're really cool, I'd like to hang one on my wall."

"What?!?!?"

"I really like them, I'd like one for my wall." I poke my head into the booth and point a the most revolting dead baby poster I see "Can I get that one right there? That's my favorite."

"That's sick! Are you a hand puppet of Satan?!" She said with growing hostility. This wasn't the kind of crowd reaction she was told to expect I'm sure!

After pausing reflectivly for a moment I answer "Yes. Yes I am a hand puppet of Satan. I like that" with a sly grin.

"You're going to suffer in Hell for all eternity... once you die. Why would you ever choose such a path?!"

"Well, he made me some promises and it actually sounds rather nice. We have an, arrangement" I'm so into my part at this point it's not even an effort to keep a straight face.

"Ah. Well you know he's lying to you! You can't believe anything he says!" She very nearly screamed.

"You know, he said the exact same thing about your side." I replied, cooly.

"But...but you can't trust Satan! He's evil!" she nearly screamed again, and followed with the old standard "If you open your heart and let God's light in you can still be saved!"

"Again, he said the exact same thing about your side. Even told me you'd say that bit about the light, and to not believe you"

She was momentarily stunned by the tact this discourse had taken, she wasn't prepared for such an intense theological discussion, this job was only supposed to require that she scare people with dead baby posters, and maybe hand out some propaganda and collect some signatures. In the confusion I steer the conversation back it's original course, getting dead baby pictures!

"Anyway, can I please have one of your posters for my wall?" I once again ask, still perfectly calm and polite.

"No. It's not going to happen" she icily replies.

"I'm not asking to get it for free, I'd be happy to pay" as I reach into the breast pocket of my jacket.

"No"

I pull out a twenty, and gesture towards the back of the stall, "Oh come on, I'd like to buy that nice glossy one back there"

"You can't have one. It's not going to happen" she says with the kind of finality that implies security will be called if the issue isn't dropped, and right soon. Well security or an avenging angle from heaven to strike me down, but my guess is that even state fair security patrol have a better response time and more force at their disposal than does any avenging abortion angle. And for that reason I let it drop.

"Fine. All I wanted to do was buy a poster. I don't see what the big deal is." I say with an exasperated sigh and walk off.

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Fire down below
Entered: 2001-09-24
Edited: 2001-10-22
Type: journal

Remember that bit out terrorist humor I promised? And how I mentioned the special hell being created just for bin Laden, you know the "the hell of being sodomized by demoms with giant sandpapery penises covered in thorns who cum acid and use peanut butter mixed with broken glass for lube" well I called up Satan for a phone interview over the weekend and he confirmed the rumors. There is in fact a new special circle of hell being developed just for bin Laden and his ilk. He couldn't give me much in the way of detail, but Satan verified that yes those damned to this new circle of hell will suffer the torture of being "ass raped by angry demons with giant spiked penises" the acid cum and peanut butter and glass lube concepts are still being debated. He was very busy so we had to cut the interview short but he did let slip that so far Osama bin Laden and Jerry Falwell have the fisrt two confirmed reservations.

Based on Satan's description of what the new hell will look like I've had the acerbic.org graphic artist do up an artists rendition of what bin Laden can expect from day one to infinity once we strap his punk ass into the electric chair.

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Falwell
Entered: 2001-09-27
Edited: 2001-09-28
Type: journal

In a surpising follow-up to my interview with Satan the other day God himself gave me a ring to clarify some points about the new level of hell Satan and Him are working on together. God tells me that previously under the right circumstances he would forgive anyone of anything and let them into heaven, and that he truely mourned the loss of each soul to Lucifer. That is no longer the case apparently.

"At first I just decided to go ahead and write off Osama, and I let Lucifer know he could have his way with him once he was dead, along with his followers. I hadn't really intended to get involved with any of the details. Then Falwell goes and makes an ass himself - and ME - once again and that was like the last straw. I never liked that prick to begin with but this one got him on My shitlist for eternity" God added "And let me tell you, that's a looooong fucking time"

"So I give Satan another call and ask him - as a personal favor to me - to really put Jerry [Falwell] through the wringer, give him the same treatment Osama gets, I said"

"Well he gets all excited and starts talking about how he wanted to create a new level of Hell just for the hate mongering religous fundies out there, I could tell he was really looking forward to the eternity spent tortuing them. So we get to talking and started bouncing ideas off each other, and working up some rules for just who qualfies as a hate-mongering-fundy etc.... and all the sudden I notice that we've been on the phone for like four hours, but we have this great outline for the new level of Hell and a good plan for finishing the work. It's gonna be SO awesome!"

I asked God when it was going to be ready and if he had any type of press release or sketches for us too look at.

"Well, in a sense it already exists, and always has, the flow of time has little meaning when you're talking eternity" God informed me "but it is new to humans on your temporal plain, so in terms you'd understand it's already built but untested. We'll be beta-testing it on the terrorists that are already dead in your time line, by the time Jerry and Osama get there we'll have all the bugs worked out." He added "We don't really have a press release but I can assign a muse to you and your artist so you can give the people of Earth a preview of what Jerry [Falwell] and Osama [bin Laden] are [will be] up to for all eternity [once they die]. They'll start inspiring you in the percieved order of what happens when they first show up in hell, only they don't really have a first day in hell since eternity encompasses all time both past and future, it's more like all the sudden they were always there but not rea- ahh too hell with it, you get the idea. I gotta run, catchya later"

For a being that doesn't exist God made a great interviewer and proved to be a mythical being of his word. Shortly after the interview was over the acerbic.org graphic artist woke up from his drunken stupor, removed his dick from the inflatable goat he fell asleep in and worked like a man possesed on
an illustration of what seems to be Jerry Falwell's first day in hell, where he seems to be getting ass-raped by Satan himself. This, according to Satan (in Mondays interview) is the standard welcome to the hell for intolerant hate mongering religous fundies {SATAN here, just wanted say that even though I personally ass-rape every fundy who enters level eight, that doesn't make me gay or anything, not that there's anything wrong with that...)

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Saturday Morning Cartoons
Entered: 2001-11-02
Edited: 2001-11-02
Type: journal

Here are some lovely cartoons that the sales guy where I work passed me today. I think he may very well have the best job in the world. Actually based on the email I get from him I'm beginning to think that the bulk of the work involved in corporate sales consists largely of sending naughty pictures to other salesmen. And occaisionally to bored techs. Anyway below is a collection of good wholesome cartoons he sent me today:

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